Expectations in Polarized Relationships

Updated: Jan 7


The Devoted and Vulnerable was born at the turn of 2020, when my partner, the Devoted, came across Zak Roedde and his content for how to create the relationship of your dreams. In his book, Irresistibly Feminine, Zak talks about the relationship dynamic known as polarity. This is the practice of one partner embodying the masculine pole, the electric energy, and the other partner embodying the feminine pole, the magnetic energy, in order to maintain attraction between the couple.

My polarity based blog posts are written based on the philosophies Zak shares in his book and my own experience embodying the Vulnerable expression. I highly recommend Zak's book, as he thoroughly explains a lot of the concepts I am simply reiterating here. I humbly recommend the audiobook version of Irresistibly Feminine, since it happens to be narrated by the Devoted and was produced by yours truly!

Expectations in Polarized Relationships

Expectations kill devotion.

Let's start there.

The feminine pole does not lead to outcomes, and an expectation is an outcome. When she leads to outcomes, she is doing so because she doesn't feel safe and she doesn't trust the masculine pole to honor what is in her heart and devote to it. This kills the masculine pole's ability and desire to devote to her.

A masculine pole’s greatest need is to lead. His role is to have an inner vision and to lead to it however he sees fit. The feminine pole guides this leadership, but not through expectations or outcomes. She guides his leadership by expressing vulnerably what is in her heart. Her heart is the most beautiful thing to him, and her role is to show him this heart vulnerably and authentically. He will then check his own inner boundaries and course correct, if he deems it necessary. If she is expressing vulnerably in order to direct toward an outcome, this is manipulation and it will undermine the polarization, since she is leading, albeit subliminally

So, what is she to do when she notices she has an expectation? The feminine pole is asked to trace the expectation back to the vulnerability in her heart which is causing the expectation.

For me, it feels a lot like reverse engineering. At the beginning of my exploration of polarized relating, my feelings were very unknown to me, and often I would not be aware of them or catch them until they had manifested into an expectation. The Devoted, my masculine pole, spent a lot of time with me in those early days, leading me back to the feeling that caused the expectation. I have not mastered this shift completely and it is still something that comes up for us to navigate.

So, here’s an example of what this shift from expectations to feelings looks like. Let's say we're out socializing and I am ready to leave. The outcome I desire is to go home. I notice I have this desire. Instead of expressing it, I ask myself, "what is the feeling in my heart right now that is causing me to want to leave?" This one is easy for me to find. "I feel tired," my heart tells me. Now I have a feeling to express to my masculine pole, however, I must still make sure that I do not have an expectation tied into this expression. If I express, "I feel tired," and expect him to lead us home immediately, I am being manipulative, since I am covertly leading to an outcome. It is my role, as the feminine pole, to express my feelings and trust my pole will lead to an outcome that honors my expressions. It is also my role to surrender to his lead, which means trusting in the who, what, where, how and why of his lead, especially when it is different than what I would do. This is the point of releasing expectations.

In this example, he may choose to lead us to leave immediately, or it may be an hour before he leads us to go. This is part of t