Nearly one year ago I found my self amidst yet another health challenge, and uncertain about how to navigate my path- similar to where I find my self presently. I was fortunate enough, and humble enough, to be open to guidance from those trained in an area of expertise. I sought out consulting on everything from diet, to business/ career to relationships to life mission. All of it was useful information, some of which I did apply and reaped the benefits for doing so.
Around this same time frame, I had received a friend request from some dude in Canada. Simultaneously, he sent me an invite to an online group entitled Relationship of Your Dreams. Naturally, I was intrigued, albeit in a skeptical, "let's see if I can debunk, or at least dismiss this content." I call it residual arrogance, vestiges of a personality defect that lingers. Anyway, I did overcome my own confirmation bias, and within a few days perusing the posts and comments from group members and admins, I found myself experiencing cognitive dissonance. I recognized that I had stumbled upon truth, and to dismiss it, would be a disservice to my self, as well as my loved ones.
When we are willing to grow from our experiences, it means we are open to learning and self-reflecting and experimenting with new information. I remember learning that I am creating the reality I perceive through my habitual (repetitive) thoughts, beliefs, feelings, words and actions. Wait, I am responsible for the life I am leading and there's nobody to blame, or external condition I can use as scapegoat? It was a profound shift in consciousness to say the least.
My exposure to polarizing relationships resulted in a significant shift in self-awareness, and offered deeply resonant insight into patterns of relating with women, both intimately and professionally. I've had many female superiors in my career, and it always pushed my buttons. I figured it was just unresolved stuff with my mother, which was definitely a factor in the dysfunctional relating, although later discovered that this was more of a symptom than an underlying cause for stressful relations. Intimately speaking, I was seeking in a mate someone who was financially stable, ambitious and emotionally stoic. These are all masculine traits! No wonder I was unsuccessfully attracting partners in this context. They were showing me how far I was from where I wanted to be as a man, or in the role of masculine pole.
Within days of joining the group and reading a book authored by one of the men running the group, the wisdom revealed itself in the dynamics of my current intimate partnership. It went from theory to supporting evidence in a brief moment of pure gold vulnerable expression from my partner. We were sort of breaking up- I wasn't even able to lead this very well- and in her state of confusion she poured her heart out to me in a way I hadn't ever known with a woman. Later that day it occurred to me the she had activated my devotion. I had shared nothing of the group or the book with her prior to this destined moment together. A week later, I proposed a one-year hand fast and invited her to move into my apartment with me -- a huge, life-changing decision was made without second-guessing.
Ever since I was around 18 years-old I developed a strong sense of a calling, an emerging inner vision. It felt primary and beyond an ordinary narrative for societal achievement. I considered my options as I completed community college coursework, feeling as though there was a Divinely ordained plan for my life. At the time, I had no idea that a man's greatest need is to lead. And to do so, he must be his own inner authority, with a willingness to do the inner work, so much of which is earning the trust and cooperation of the inner child. Some may call this our shadow self, or the wounded parts. I hadn't a clue back then just how much unresolved life experiences remained latent in my subconscious mind. Lifetimes worth perhaps.
Leading my self upon a path of trauma recovery and self-actualization is the most empowering choice I have made in this life. I had stubbornly bypassed emotional healing for most of my adult life, even after embarking upon a spiritual path in my 20's. I intellectualized the information and proselytized as if I were in some elevated state of teaching credibility. I've seen this ALOT in social media with folks pretending to have their shit together, only to be unaware that they're followers/ clients/ target market are simply showing up to awaken them from their sleep walk. The rote memory that was such a strength leveraged throughout academia, had become a weakness in my limbic system. I sure looked and sounded the part. Now I look back and see a fraud who lacked sufficient courage and empathy to love himself well. Through the eyes of compassion, I see a very frightened grown man.
To be clear, I am not saying that my healing has been completed and implying that now I have earned license to teach this material. I only know from my level of competency through
life experience and continued introspection. My sample size is one year of leading a polarized union. It's a good start, yet there are times where I question if I am really up to the task of leading a woman into her heart center. I commend my self for how much I've grown, and at the same time, I am accountable for lingering coping habits in a vain attempt to distract my self from pain awaiting to be felt. I am learning to devote to my inner vision with a renewed sense of inspiration and innocence. History has a way of repeating itself until the past has been reconciled. There's a version of me that is sloughing off to reveal a new edition capable of self-governance and true leadership by example.